"Clouds come from the cloud factory"

I believe I can see the future
‘Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
And then again that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around, oh no

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
Sometimes – yeah – I still pretend
I can’t remember how this all got started
But I can tell you – exactly – how it will end

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I’m writing on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping someday you might find
I’ll hide it behind something
They don’t look behind
I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
I just don’t know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

And I’ve rehearsed my lines
And I know what’s coming next

Am writing this from Singapore Airline.

I think this is fantabulous.

Long live free wi-fi.

The World Is Getting Smaller With Each Day.

I am not making sense but thats Ok because I got free wi-fi at Singapore Air and by god, do I love my laptop…

This is even more exciting than an advent calendar! And we all know how excited I get about advent calenders! (The addictive habit is supplied by Marine-Eco-Paleo-Bio-Chem-Man’s Mum – collecter of awesomely strange books, knower of latin, and giver of advent calendars.)

8 more days! Four of those days are work days which only gives me four days to myself before I leave. And I have still so much to do! At least I have a passport AND a visa label. Phew. Sensible people would never have let it got this far – but I am not sensible. In fact, I’m an absolute wreck and I’m surprised I haven’t killed myself yet (this would, of course, happen by pure accident, for example, sticking my fingers in a nest of redbacks or something stupid like that thinking they would be sweet, innocent LADYBUGS). Or I would simply starve by forgeting to EAT. You know, totally not sensible things like that.

So, without ruining surprises of presents and the like, here is my relatively short to do list as compared to previously mentioned present list:

* Find a suitcase that has zippers that are not salt-water logged. Preferably something bigger than a backpack and sturdier than a plastic bag.

* Find a doctor who will prescribe me xanax as I’ve lost (or somebody has stolen) my last remaining pills which are six months over the due date anyway.

* Ring the airline and find out if I am allowed to bring knitting needles on the plane AND if they have laptop charging port thingies on economy AND if someone can make sure I will make it to the gate without falling asleep in a corner of Singapore Airlines as xanax puts me in a delicious coma.

* Make a schedule for the hectic three weeks I will be in NL – I shan’t put much importance to this point as I can predict I will lose and/or pay no heed to any schedule made.

* Get an awesome tan so that everybody in Holland will be jealous of me.

* International driver’s licence could be helpful though I am terrified of driving in Holland after driving in laisez-faire Australia all this time.

* Finish knitting awesome scarf.

* Find and wrap presents.

* Stock up on nicotine patches. Too bad they’re not available at duty-free. Harumf.

* Spend weekend with Hot Mo-less Science Dude at some place exotic like Byron Bay and try not to get eaten by a Great White.

Obviously, the most important part is getting the tan of course! Harumpf! [Just kidding, the most important one is the last one, the part where I get to spend unadulterated, sexy time with my personal stalker - although, knowing us, it will be so hot this weekend, we will be unable to do anything except find the nearest waterhole and live in it until we get stung crazy by mosquitoes.]

As a complete side note but still somehow related to the topic, what’s this I hear about snow? It’s 31 degrees here! This is going to be one major shock to my sexy and pudgy tanned body. I will love it, but dear god, I hope I can borrow a sweater. I am not worried about packing because I have about five articles of clothing that would be suitable for Dutch weather. And even then, only if I wear all of them at the same time.

I have trouble ending journal notes. So… 7.5 days, mo-fos, until NaNation.

Since the Bio-Man is repulsed and simply scared of spiders, I’ve been handed the role of David in this battle. But I do not slay these beautiful creatures. Nay! I simple put them in the garden from which, no doubt, they return. I’m pretty sure these are the same I’ve kicked out before. I also know for a fact there is at least one more huntsmen resident because he always greets me in the morning in the shower – they are not so shy. I’d like to think he bids me a good morning or perhaps he just likes to check out my tits. Anyway, Bio-Man has now resorted to shower upstairs instead of the dark, spider-infested cave downstairs. Anyway, shower-spider has only six legs and therefore I have named him Sixy (I know! I’m so fucking creative and original it hurts!).

So here I introduce to you: Goliath, Goliath Junior, and I have yet to find Sixy for his photo-op. For those who cannot tell the size, Goliath is bigger than my palm (mostly due to legginess).

It’s never too early to begin a countdown: 48 days until I leave for Home.

It’s never too late to create a new word: countup! It’s been 16 days since I last smoked a cigarette.

[enter picture of my whiteboard with the countdown if indeed I had a camera]

And feed a cold. [It's scientifically proven, you know]

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I am more pre-occupied with my current rehab situation.

If you’ve known me longer than a year,  you know that I am a masterful quitter. In fact, I’ve quit many things in my life – school, jobs, people, love, the list goes on and on. So you’d think that quitting smoking would be a walk in the park for me. The truth? I haven’t smoked in six full days and I’m doing fine…

Having said that, I decided not to quit cold turkey. After all, this is a decade of habit. There are two parts to this: the physical and the mental. And I’ve always known that the mental bit would be the most difficult. So I’m solving the physical part with patches. I was hesitant about patches because WHY WOULD YOU PUT NICOTINE IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM? IT’S A FUCKING POISON!!! Oh yeah, as if you ever had a problem sucking it through your lungs. For some odd reason I had problems with the idea of administering chemicals through a patch because EVERYONE knows that nicotine is kills. But I soon got over it as I realised while I was cutting down that my body is dependent on nicotine. Now I’m left with bandaid-glue marks all over my hips. But the thing is, it works. Physically, I have little cravings. I have trouble falling asleep though and I wake up feeling as if I’ve done a line of speed – BUT the headaches are minor (I got bigger headaches from smoking!). And also, most importantly, I have less chest pains. The plan is to stay with the patches for a few more weeks, then cut down to weaker patches.

However, I’m a bit cranky. I don’t particularly WANT a cigarette – if you offered me a cigarette right now, I’d refuse (also because of the patch – smoking + patch/gum = technicolour yawn). I’ve not accepted this yet – for example, I feel sad/angry (trouble with words here) because quitting means never smoking a cigarette again. And once, when I saw this chick smoking, I swear my brain told me, “See? If she can do it, so can you! It’s ok!” WTF BRAIN!?!?!?!?! I should find a name for this part of my brain; Addict is probably a good name.

A few more things I’ve noticed so far: it surpresses my appetite; it makes me slightly dizzy at times; my teeth hurt more (does smoking numb my gums? ha); my sense of smell is returning; the smell of smoke feels like home but doesn’t make me want to run and buy cigarettes; there is actually a full pack of cigarettes at home; Australian news is ridiculous; my throat is itchy which is odd because it feels like I’ve smoked heaps but I haven’t; Jacaranda Season makes my eyes hurt but my heart rejoice; this past week I’ve tried to write many times but I fail.

I’m almost to the One Week Mark. And that is a Good Thing ™.

02.10.2008 edit: I rarely re-read posts unless it has been months and I would never delete posts. So instead, I CROSS THEM OUT… because who the fuck am I to judge this woman as she has judged me? Also, DAMN YOU VODKA.

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